Its a NO Go

I went in for my Ultrasound this morning and we will be putting off the transfer for now.  Lining had actually gone down and we needed it up. I have my sad moments today that we didn't get to do it when hoped and I read another blog that she might be doing hers in the next few days and before I thought I would be in before her and now I am way after. And also the what if's?!?  But I really feel good about a Natural cycle. I feel like Its time to stop waisting time and move on to the next step. The Dr. did say I could try for a few more days but My lining has been around the same for almost 2 weeks. Its not going to change. I really feel that My body hated the drugs.

I have never, NEVER had any issues getting pregnant. I truly could get pregnant if I look at my husband. So I will be keeping my thoughts high. This baby will come when its time. I really do believe that. I just sometimes wish I had a fortune teller to tell me it will happen.

So next step is to stock up on paper product because Aunt flo is really disgustingly messy. I never thought I would Pray for Aunt flo to visit, she is such a pain in my backside. But I really want her to visit soon :) Then we'll start the monitoring again.

Today I also met some other local Surrogates and it was so good to hear their stories. As bad as it sounds I loved hearing their not so successful stories. It just made me feel that I'm normal and this is a long and a lot of time not a simple easy process. I am very thankful for their support they gave me today. It came at a perfect time!

The unexpected

Im Stumped! I don't know what to say. The last couple days have been really emotional. I went in yesterday to get my Ultra sound with high hopes of getting good news but in the back of my mind I kept thinking don't tell me if its not thicker. Like in some way if they don't say it, it wouldn't be true ;( I waited so anxiously and it felt like forever. I kept thinking come in here tell me so I can move on.  He came in and the worst at that moment happened.  I went from my uterus being at a 5 on Saturday to yesterday being a 5.3. Its suppose to be about 8.  I know this is just a bump in the road and things will happen maybe even better, but when you expect it will be one way it will crush you.  As the Dr. was telling what to do. He was saying that I need to stop my meds they will freeze the eggs and we'll try next cycle. Maybe we could do a natural cycle. I just looked at him trying to keep my composure and I said oh I feel so bad, I lost it!  Tears were falling off my face. I felt like I had purposefully went out and hurt my IP and now I have to call them and devastate them.   I just loved the Dr and the nurse they put their arm around me and said its ok. I fell in love with this clinic at that moment. I know I'm not the first or last person that will cry in their office but I'm crying over a thin lining and we still get to try. This is not the worst that can happen and they still were comforting me.  

So I left the clinic and I called the IP's oh I tried to sniff it all up and be strong but when I heard her voice I felt so bad. My IM is so sweet she was so strong saying its ok, It will happen when it should, etc. But I kept thinking I know she is being strong for me but this has got to devastate her also. Then I just felt so bad. Here I am the Surrogate I'm not suppose to have the issues. But at the same time I am glad its me! I am glad that its something that can be fixed and its not the end. If it were her than it could be the end.
But as the day went on. I received the call that would help a lot. It was the Dr. he said he doesn't want to give up. He talked with the other dr's and they decided to take me off Lupron. Thinking maybe Lupron has shut down more than it should and I'll take Vitamin E and estrogen still. I go in again on Saturday. They may still need to freeze but they are going to try to get me there by next week. If not we will try a natural cycle. My body just may not like the drugs.

But on a good note Egg retrieval  was today and I haven't talk to her I did get a text that there are 18 eggs...YEAH!!!!! She is still drugged up so I don't have all the story but it so far great news!!!

Thicker thoughts

Yesterday I had a Ultrasound and my Uterus needs a little talking too! She is being very disobedient, and not growing like they would like her to.  So I have to give her more estrogen. They want me ready by Egg retrieval which is looking like Wednesday.

 I have to double my estrogen dose.  Which after my Anger last week I need to warn all of you to be nice to me. I don't want to cry or punch you!!! LOL!!!

YOu need a smack down!!!

So I will blame it on Hormones.  Today a girl was really mean to me but man I got mad enough I wanted to punch her pretty little face in.  So today they were having free gas at a gas station and my husband works for vendor that was sponsoring it. So I thought hey I'll try to get some free gasoline. ( Hey we all could use it with these crazy gas prices) plus my husband was going to be there. So I drive up and its Crazy, cars every were! So I pulled up to one of my husbands Co-workers and said Hi, then said hey hook me up. Well the girl standing next to him that works for the product says " You can get in the back of the line and wait like everyone else" then she turns around. Oh I thought of words a lady should never think of. LOL!!! 

I never get this mad, I get offended but I never want to punch someone pretty little face in :) Today I did :) And this girl works with my husband!!!! 

This kind of reminded me of the time we were in Disneyland I was pregnant with Londyn and we had stayed in a kids suite. It was 9 am we had kids from my aunt, mom and our kids that were excited to get to Disneyland. The kids were running down the hall and a guy opens his room door and says " you guys need to shut up were sleeping in here" with out hesitation I turned around and said """"""" YOU! 

Lets just say Im bipolar when Im pregnant and I felt that mad today :) Man sometimes it feels really good to say how you truly want to say when someones rude!  So BE NICE TO ME IM hormonal!!!! Dang drugs!!! ROFLOL :) now I'm laughing at myself :) 

Never thought diapers would make me cry

 I love this commercial . Every time I see it come on I tear up. Man I am such a baby :) lol  I love the preemie at the end it reminds me of my Quad niece and nephews. They were born at 27 weeks and they had those cute cute bug eyes.  Then of course love the surrogate. Ok I just love the whole dang thing!!!

As the date gets closer

It actually still feels so far away even though its next week. But this last week I have had a little more emotions/feelings about Gestational Surrogacy. I believe it because I am getting a little more involved. I have had this blog for 4 months now and I actually just shared it on FB. I went from 3 followers to 24 in 3 days. Thanks for all your support.   I have belonged on a Surro support group online for 4 months also but I never written anything on it until 4 days ago. I am really realizing that I want the support but then I hear sad stories like one Gestation surrogate  was told by her Intended parents that  they want to cease all contact with her after she already carried their baby. Though I have not heard both sides of the story it still brings worry to me.  It broke my heart!

I am sure my worries comes from some very recent pain of friendships.  I am very giving person and I think of what others need before my needs and sometimes its not a good thing at all. In fact sometimes I think people can see in black magic marker "Im gullible" on my forehead. I always believe everyone is honest and would never want to hurt me. Well guess what it all ways  seems to bite my butt!!! I always say that " I'm done, I want to be less caring". But then I hear my dear friend telling me. I better NOT ever change or she'll kick my ass! Lets just say I am more scared of that. Thanks Jenny :)

As I heard this story, I thought maybe I shouldn't be reading this. It really broke my heart.  But then I realized maybe I needed too and I got up some courage.  I called my Intended Parents and talked to the mom. I brought up that we had talked about contact after child is born before at our first meeting. I had the impression they agreed with me. But I never really got their opinion on this subject.  I had told them I would like to be Aunt Jen.  What I mean by that is a friend of the family. You know spoil them all with Birthday gifts but don't have to be there everyday. I don't want to raise this baby in anyway. But I would love to know if every one is well. And I have a very special place for them, all of them.  Even the rest of the family I have not met yet.  As we were talking it was so nice to hear her opinion. We talked about concerns and thoughts. But it felt really nice to hear that we have a life long bond.  I really think I have the best Intended Parents.

I love all my friendships and I take them very seriously. When it comes down to life changing experiences I take it more serious. I am a volunteer/coordinator  photographer for Now I Lay me Down to Sleep. They are a non-profit organization of photographers that take pictures of Stillborn or infant/child loss. Now I lay me down to sleep has changed my life. With every hospital room I walk into I fall in love with that family. I really have great relationships with many of my families.  So I don't feel any different about this life changing experience.  Sorry now I feel like Im rambling on about why I feel this way. I guess I just wanted to write about it and this blog is for this.   right?  Thanks for listening :)

Im more of a women now

.... Well not really but I'm taking estrogen now.  Lets build a nice lining for a baby to comforted and grow!!

We are now down to the last couple of weeks before transfer and its getting more real to me. I went in yesterday for an Ultrasound and as the Dr. got ready to leave he said " it all looks well lets start stimulation" It made my heart skip a beat. Its all happening and I could be pregnant in as little as 2 weeks. As I talk to the Intended mom I can just hear the excitement of what they have to look forward to. I am so honored I get to do this for them. I am getting a little more worried about the outcome. There is just so many scenario's that can happen. And all I want to be able to do is give them a healthy baby to love.

Thanks so much for all my support and sweet comments Its so nice to hear that people think what Im doing something amazing. I really think Surrogacy is amazing and I love that I have this opportunity to it. Thank you!!!

video

I watched this video and I really liked it.  Thought I would share.
Two men discuss infertility

My stud muffin...LOL

My Husband and I have a bit of a weird relationship according to others. My husband is always making jokes in fact his jokes usually involve me in it or is the punch line. When he first started his current job, he had told all these jokes that made them believe I was a 500 pounds, Zits from head to toe and with NO brain.  Then when I met one of his co- workers He had said " THATS YOUR WIFE!!!!" I think he loves watching reactions people give him as he talks so horribly about me. And the the reactions when they meet me.  I don't think Im a hottie but Im don't look the way he perceives me to be. It makes me laugh.

The other day some one asked me how I can you stand him. Then as night went on and his jokes were flying I was flying back with just as mean comebacks. By the end of the night The same person said I was perfect for my Dork of man.. he he he.

When we were at the clinic we got the nurse into our jokes. She even said I would need my boyfriend to pick me up the day of transfer. But we have decided it would be my girlfriend picking me up..he he he

This week I keep thinking about our relationship and how on the outside people may think we don't love each other but in our home he is the perfect prince... well close too :)  We are very close but  we get to be ourselves.  He gets to do what he wants which is play basketball 4-5 times a week. And me I get to have babies when I want or someone else's baby. He doesn't even have any concern or worries.  I love that he trust me.   I am very smitten by his dorkness.  I love how calm,  caring, and how dedicated he is to his life and our famly. I am very lucky to have such a stud muffin Dork in my life.  Love you babe!!!!

Loves and support for a friend!!

My very best Jenny has had her fare share of struggles of getting her very own spitting up, crying,  pooping baby. It is Time for her to show what an amazing Mother she is.  She is the most loving caring MOTHERLY beautiful sweetheart I know. I love You so much Jenny!!! I want more than anything for you to hold a baby that ruin all your clothes due to bodily fluids :)

  We never thought together we would go through the IVF process together. But here we are!!!!!  She is traveling and  getting ready to do her egg retrieval by this weekend then transfer early next week. Please keep her and her Honey in your thoughts and prayers.

P.s. Also pray for her doggies, they will miss her dearly :)

spilled milk

Today is Day 4 of Lupron, I have no Idea if its why I am crying over everything.  But I am CRYING OVER EVERYTHING!!!!! LOL

And were off

Today was a really big day. I started Lupron today...yeah!!! Then I got a call today from the cutest Intended mom ever and she said the Judge is ok with what were doing and he signed the papers...yeah!!!!

So here we go, we are shooting for a June 5th transfer.  My aunt keeps asking me if I'm scared and I'm not at all. I am not scared of shots or of being able to hand the baby over to his/her mommy and daddy.  But as she asked I realized I could be pregnant in a month! Reality hit and I am not even nervous.

The pill, eat, and sleep

  Ever since I have taken the pill I feel like all I want is food and sleep.  I think this puppy has the right Idea!!!!!

Eggs by the dozen

 

I just had to share this picture. I think I am so funny :) Konni this picture is for you

I have not updated for a while and so much has happened. We signed our lawyer papers 3 weeks ago. It was so cute to see the Intended moms smile while we signed. I think she just was so excited that I really wanted to be her Gestational carrier and I was not backing out. It made me smile. 

We have been waiting anxiously but patiently for the courts to set a date for a hearing and then move on to a cycle. Then last week we found out our file was misplaced and we had to re file. OOOPs and Bummer!!! 

Aunt Flo came last week and I am starting Birth control and were hoping to still do a May cycle still but it may not go as we would hope for. Hopefully we will hear soon. 

I want to say, I have so far had such a great experience except for the couple bumps in the road..lol  But the Intended parents are amazing and they have been so kind to me. I am excited to get to know them more. Then just realizing I am really doing this for someone just makes me smile.  

Support

Today we received the lawyer papers. I am anxiously wanting to read through them with Harris. Hopefully all goes well and we can sign and move forward to a judge signing them. It looks like when Aunt flo comes we will get started to do a transfer in May. I guess we'll see :)

I want to say  I have a lot of support from family and friends and I adore them for being here for me. One thing about this that is I wish I had more support of others experiencing Surrogacy. I do have a friend that I have known since I was 5 and she is also is currently working on being a surrogate for her friend. She has been such a huge huge help. Thank you Care bear. But I do wish I had more. I am new at this and I know I'll be ok with out the support, but I would love to have someone to be able talk to about it. Their are forums. But to be honest they confuse me. Anyway I don't want to sound sad or frustrated. I know I will meet more surrogate friends. If anyone has Ideas to help I would love it?

MAY

I had my IUD out on Thursday. I was thinking oh it can take up to a few weeks before my cycle would start but my luck it started Sunday night.  I called the clinic and they mentioned we could just get started next week on Lupron. The clinic called the Intended parents to see if we should start and try for an April Cycle.  We have decided we will start a cycle first week of May.  Due to we are just getting ready to sign the paperwork and it still needs to go to a judge.

Were moving forward

My test came back and were looking good, I can be a surrogate....YEAH! Thanks so much to everyone who kept me confident that it would be ok! Love you all!!!

The world of fertility

You know I don't know much about the infertility world. I definitely thank god for that. But yesterday as I walked into the Infertility clinic I felt I do not belong here. If the women in here knew they would chase me out with knifes.

 I laughed with the nurse on our way back to do my blood test because there were a few couples and with in a few feet I heard "there are a few follicles," "There might be a weird color discharge but no worries thats the dye," "Oh great your period started today. Ok the next step is," I laughed but as I was leaving It hurt to know that all the couples that I passed by were there desperately trying to have a baby.  I truly felt that here I am worried about one test and these families are worried 2,3, 4 test. There whole future rest on these test. And I am worried about 1 test.

Then as I am reading other blogs of friends that also have infertility issues it just hurts knowing how many people really truly have this as a trial in their life. I just wish I could carry for all of them. Or rub my good uterus ju ju all over them.  But I did read a friends blog today about how she turned it over to god and as she did she was pregnant and didn't know it. And her example had helped so many other women.  I see the miracles and the love that pours out from others during this hardship. I truly have fallen in love with the fact that us women do stick together. No matter our ability to have children.

fate is on a needle

Tomorrow is the day I do another blood test. I am hoping my infection is gone! Please pray for me to healthy and strong. Then next week I hope to have great news!

And the test or was it face slapping

First things first we need to meet the doctor then make sure I am healthy and mentally healthy enough. I set up the appointment to see the infertility doctor. Harris and I went together and the doctor described the process. At the time I had told him I also wanted to donate eggs to my friend. He told me that was a first for him to have someone who wanted to carry and donate at the same time. I did an ultrasound and everything look great and then I had a couple blood test done.

A couple days later the friend that needed a egg donation had called me and told me it was not a good time. It just broke my heart. I would love to be able to help, but with the gestational carrier coming in to play it would mean I would need to donate soon so we could move on with the Surrogacy. I love you miss K and if it works out I would love to still donate.

We had met with a counselor. We needed to make sure I was sane or Insane enough to carry someone else's child. I believe I passed but I am not sure which test I passed sane or insane.

So I thought ok everything is now going to fall into place and were going to start... Wow did I have a huge slap in the face. I am never going to say I need more patients because someone always teaches me patients. I thought ok I am going to call my doctor and remove my Birth control. I called and they said they could get me in March 24th. I just thought that is way to far away. I want to get pregnant now ( well hopefully sooner than later) So my doctors office called me back and said they could get me in February 3rd. I thought it was to soon but I will set it up and cancel if needed.

I called the lawyer right after I made the appointment to ask how long paperwork would take to see if I was jumping the gun. I guess I knew better. I got SLAPPED in the face. That's when the lawyer told me there was an issue with one of my test. Then as he tried to explain it to me I just got more worried and confused. He even explained really well for a lawyer but I am sure I went from "what" to " just tell me it doesn't matter and I still get to be a surrogate" Well I never got that answer.

My heart just sunk and my anxiety set in. I really just felt like someone had came and told me the worst news. I realized how much I want to be a surrogate. For a few days I kept looking into what the test meant and what the worst thing could happen. My mom had reminded me that I had a blessing and I was told it was my choice. That I would get to be a surrogate if I desired. It helped but it still didn't take a lot of my fear away. My anxiety just was not going away. After a couple of days I was driving myself and I am sure with talking about it over and over everyone else was ready to kick the crap out of me. Then I broke down and asked my brother in law to give me another blessing. He gave me some advise to pray with my husband  which has never happened. As a family we just started teaching our kids the meaning of prayer. He had asked me to ask if I am suppose to be a surrogate. When he said that the fear set in. I was really afraid of the answer I would get. I want to be a surrogate but what if I am not suppose to be one. Man my heart was sinking. But I sucked it up and took him up on his advise and instantly I knew I am doing exactly what I am suppose to.  I have been given the choice and the family we fell in love with and Harris had a great feeling about them also. It had all fallen into to place up to this point. It will all work out. Right?

So if everything goes as I hope they will. I will retake the test on Friday and then we will start the court proceedings. Then start a IVF cycle. I really believe that when I let things flow they flow. When I try to force or speed things up. I always get a slap in the face. I have decided I will be calm and allow this little sweetheart come to me when they are ready. When I am ready.

Getting to know with Cheescake

On our way to the CHEESECAKE factory I started to get a little nervous of who was going to be waiting for us. Then when we walked in, there was this cute sweet looking couple waiting patiently on wether they were going to meet their future baby carrier. I instantly felt so peaceful.  I knew then they were a great couple to carry for. Then we went to the table and after an amazing conversation, really hitting it off and CHEESECAKE. I wanted to tell them yes right then but I wanted to talk to Harris first. Harris has an amazing gift of really knowing people well the first time. He gets everyone right, its the crazies thing.

As we left I felt really good about it. They were going to go shopping and I wanted to stay with them because we were having so much fun. When we got in the car I asked Harris how he felt and to my surprise he really really liked them and also had a good feeling. And not because of how the lunch went but because he sometimes has a hard shell to brake. He even said to me which Harris is very quite about feelings he said " K(intended father)  is a better step father than I am."

I have been so proud of Harris. He has been so supportive.  So within minutes of walking in our door I called them back and said
" I want to be your gestational carrier" but with a little carrot cake CHEESECAKE in my belly it was not hard to say yes to.

The first post!

So were do I start? Huh! I waited so long to finally write about this. So most of you already know because I have a big mouth... lol. But I would really like to blog about my experience of being a surrogate. It all started well eight years ago. I have always wanted to be a gestational carrier. But it was important I had my own children first.

About six months ago I called the U of U Infertility clinic asking how you become a surrogate. She told me I needed to advertise. I remember thinking "What!" How do you advertise your uterus. On a billboard along the freeway.  Maybe on a KSL add. Well they both seemed a little wrong. But in Utah their is no Surrogacy clinic.  I was referred  to talk to a Lawyer  here that deals with the Infertility and I have to say for a Lawyer he was so compassionate.  Back in the days he was looking for a surrogate for him and his wife. He talked to me for a hour or so about the process. He sent me over some paper work to fill out and send back. Then I could be stored in his database. Then when a family came to him he could advertise me.

I filled out the paper work, but I never sent it back. I honestly had no reason to not send it back but maybe I wanted to make sure it was pretty and there were a couple scribbles on a page.

So on Tuesday January 4, I have been talking to a friend that we were looking into me donating my eggs to her. That morning we were talking about the laws in Utah. So I thought I bet the lawyer I talked to 6 months ago would know the answers to my questions. I called him up and as were were talking he asked " Did you ever send your papers back for Surrogacy. I am currently looking for a surrogate for a couple families. If you would like can you fax the papers in for me." I told him I would send them in by that night, and I did.

On Wednesday he called me and asked if he could forward my portfolio to a couple families. I told him he was welcome to. Then on Thursday morning he emailed and this is what it read..


On Jan 6, 2011, at 12:41 PM


Jennifer,

I have a couple who is interested in your Profile.  Will you please confirm that it is okay to release your contact information.

Thanks, D

My reply at  3:15 pm

 Hi D,

That was really fast. Yes you may send them my info. 

Thank you so much!  

At 4:00 pm I receive a call from K&J. We are the intended parents and we really liked your profile may we meet you....

Of course Saturday January 8, we met.