Me as a Gestational Carrier!!

** A moment in my Tummy, forever in my heart**

Thank you for visiting my blog! I'm not the best writer so bare with me as I try to tell about my experience :) I am a mom of 4 ranging from ages 13-3. About 12 years ago I decided that one day I would help a family bring a child into this world. In 2011 I met my first Intended family and delivered a baby boy on Aprils fools Day 2012. I now am matched with my second family and I look forward to what this journey brings to us.

Friday, November 30, 2012

8 months old

Tomorrow my little surro man will be 8 months old. I've been really thinking about him the last few days. I ponder on how big he must be. I wonder what he is up to, if he is crawling to their Christmas tree tearing all the ornaments off and they keep telling no. I wonder when he smiles at them does he have two or more cute teeth that shine at them. Does he laugh so hard that their heart melt every time.

 I know he is great hands. I know his family LOVES him so much. I KNOW they adore him. I am sad that I don't get to witness this but I know I am supposed to sacrifice for this little guy and I will continue to sacrifice. I love that little boy and his family. My mom is always telling me "nobody can never take that you carried him" Wise words mommy, Thank you!

Happy 8 months little guy!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Are we exclusive?

I often hear about how Surrogacy feels like you're dating and it totally has very similar feelings.
When people ask me about my last journey I always tell them that they broke up with me. I wish we could be friends but unfortunately when you have broken up being friends never works out, right?  When I think about what I would do if I ran into them somewhere. I think I hope I look good, I hope they see I am doing well, and I hope it they will feel bad or miss me.  It will be a very awkward conversation. I sometimes refer it to it almost feels as scary as run if I hurt their child not brought him into the world. Its crazy to feel this way about it.

When You go on your first date. Its a blind date or you may know a little bit about them because of each others profiles online or thru an agency. Just this last week I went on my second journeys first date. That day I called my friends up and asked them to go shopping for a cute outfit. I had to look cute and very baby carrying approved. While we were at dinner my Intended mom mentioned how she feels like were dating and she also had to look cute.  Of course our men thought we were nuts.  The only difference from normal dating you hope they ask you if they can knock you up on the first date and how many they want to knock you up with. You do get very personal for a first meeting.

Since last week I get all excited when I see that she has text or called. I may even do a little hop skip and a jump! Then when were done talking the anxiety hits. Did I say the right thing, do they still like me, will she text back, maybe I should give them space, wait a couple days before I call or text, I may be coming on to strong, uh it so confusing and exciting!

Monday, September 3, 2012

My Tears

This post is going to be very hard for me to write. I have gone back and forth wether I should write this post or publish it. I've worried that it may come back and bite me in the butt, but I have felt strongly that I need to post it.  Maybe it may help a future surrogate, Intended parents or it may be for myself but for what ever  the reason I know it will do its job. The feelings in the post are only my point of view and anything I say about how my Intended parents is strictly my feelings or my view towards it. I truly have no idea what they might me feeling and I don't want any harsh feeling towards them.

I have not written in my blog since baby boy was born due to my broken heart. I have even had a hard time reading anyones else's blogs. When I decided to be a surrogate about 10 years ago I truly felt I would change the world, change a life or a few lives, answer a prayer, make a dream come true, Be apart of a blessing. I wanted to make a Mommy and a Daddy. I felt so strongly that my ability to have children was to help others have children.  I really believed that I was doing such an amazing thing but now I wonder how this amazing thing would make me feel so shitty as if I had done something so wrong. As if I had hurt someone so badly that  it would take forever for them to forgive me.

I really feel that every surrogate and every Intended parent has their Idea of the journey they want to have and after the baby arrives. I don't think any Idea is wrong, we all get to feel the way we feel about our journeys. Wether it turns out the way we hoped or not, its still ok to feel the way we do.

 I always dreamt what I wanted out of my experience. I dreamt that I would be apart of their life big or small. I truly only wanted to see what I had done. I also wanted to feel appreciated for my sacrifice.  I wanted to witness the love. I always told others that I would do it for a boob job as a joke but always thought I could do it for free. I never wanted the money! THE MONEY HAS BEEN THE HARDEST PART! I feel sick to stomach when I hear "Business transaction".

So now to my story, The little boy I delivered family has decided it was in their best interest to no longer have a relationship with me. I have my speculations as to why but honestly I have no Idea. I have had my inklings from the beginning that this maybe the outcome. When we first met we really hit it off but when I had told them that I wanted to see what I have done I had said " I want to be like aunt Jen." The dads response was "well the baby will already has an aunt Jen but I guess you can be aunt Jen also." I always wondered what that meant but I just passed it off that maybe they were thinking I wanted more of connection than what I was thinking. I had called my Intended mom before we got pregnant and told her about another surro that was sad because her family no longer wanted anything with her. I told my Intended mom that was my worst fear and I wanted to know how they felt so I could prepare myself if they wanted no relationship. She told me a couple concerns she had but then said I would be in their life.

Then as time passed I realized how distant they were from me. They were their at every appointment and very supportive of the pregnancy but I never felt that there was anything more. I actually felt like I was on a first date every time I saw them. I had written them sweet notes and I would hear nothing back. I would just pass it off that they were private people.

I felt that I would try to involve them in anyway I could. I wanted to give them a journey and a surrogate that they would always be grateful for. When I was pregnant when people would ask about the pregnancy I would tell them proudly what I was doing and every response I got was "you are amazing." as they were saying this I would think why does everyone think Im amazing but this little boys parents don't feel this way about me. It always broke my heart but I still wanted to feel that it was amazing so I would tell people what I was doing proudly.

When he was born the birth was so perfect. She got to deliver him and dad cut the cord and professional photographer, it truly was PERFECT.  As they were taking him away from me I remember thinking the cord is cut.. for good! Then it all went down hill from there. I thought the hospital would be my last moments. I thought we would be a family for that two days.  I had told my Intended mom that I wanted 5 minutes alone with him to say good bye because I knew there was going to be a goodbye but my wish was never granted. I've never had the chance to say goodbye ever!!! I had a lot of disappointments but I just hoped that I was wrong and I didn't need to say goodbye. I have never felt so alone as I did in the hospital! It was the worst feeling being in my room alone with their room next to me and babies crying around me. Im sure the hormones didn't help.

I had tried to keep in touch. I would text them and I would worry every time that I would overstepping my boundaries. I would ask what my boundaries were but I never really got an answer. When he was four weeks old we had gone to lunch and she didn't bring the baby. I thought it was because I was there. I got up the courage to tell her how I was feeling, She said I would be in her life forever and seemed very sincere. She seemed very sympathetic of my worries. I felt so much better  and as a couple weeks past I saw a few pictures posted on FB, a couple text and I got to visit. It was so perfect it was all I needed.

I had not received any updates on there terms up to this point. In fact they have never contacted me on their terms ever since he has been born. It was only after I had contacted them or after I had expressed my feelings that they started posting pics.

  Then a couple months ago I was interviewed with a local newspaper with a friend. 
When the article came out I text her and said "Here is an interview I did. I hope you like it." Then about a month ago my Intended mom called me and told me that its not that they didn't like but they don't like it.  She proceeded to tell me that they want their baby boy to have a normal life. That if we were going to have a relationship it couldn't involve him. She said they wanted me to move on. She had told me her family was number one and they did not have room for Jen and her family in it. When he was born I had made a FB post that he was born, she said that they were ok with me posting because I did not mention them but I never mentioned the money and they didn't want people to think they took advantage of me, that it was a business transaction. But through out the phone call she kept saying she didn't want to hurt me that they appreciate what I have done. I was crying the whole time but  I didn't even really get what she was saying until I hung up the phone.

I have overplayed the last year and half over and over. The last few months I have had a lot of guilt. Thinking what did I do wrong. That maybe I should have gone into this with different expectations. Then a couple weeks ago I went to my OBGYNs and I started crying as he asked me how they were. He started to tell me what he noticed how Infertile couples feel. He said that they don't feel human that as a female you are supposed to carry your child and that a man is supposed to be able to produce children. He said its dysfunctional but its ok, its a process every infertile couple have to grieve and work through.Then he started to tell me a story about his son. He was struggling with a test that was coming up in school so he hired a teacher to come tutor him 3 nights a week and when the test came he did a great job and came home very excited about his accomplishment. He had asked his son to write the teacher a Thank you note. His son then said "Why? It was her job" He then told him you needed to except the reason you needed the help and he told him you will send her a Thank you. He then looked at me and said "YOU CANNOT BE GRATEFUL FOR THE HELP ALONG THE WAY IF CANNOT EXCEPT THE REASON WHY THE HELP IS NEEDED"
My heart was softened at that moment. I had thought of the millions of ways that they might be feeling but I could not understand why that meant they could treat me this way or why they felt this way about me. They may not feel this way but it sure helped how I feel about it now. I hope for what ever reason they may be feeling. If they are struggling in any way about our relationship I hope they know or feel that I never want to be a source of their pain or grief. I truly only wanted a safe place for them to turn in their time of need. From carrying their baby to being their friend, or listening ear.

But now I know I get to feel any way I want about my journey! I get to want a relationship! I get to love this little boy! I get to be proud! I get to also talk about it proudly not shamefully!! I also get to be sad, disappointed and I will grieve about the outcome!  I have been asked a few times what I would do different or if I would have known what the outcome, would I have carried for them. What I would have differently, I would have asked them what they wanted relationship wise after birth before telling them my feelings in the beginning. I feel they would have been more honest than going along with my idea of what I wanted.  If I knew this would of been the outcome I truly don't know what I would have done.  I believe I was the wrong Surro for their idea but I know for a fact I was supposed to sacrifice for this little boy! I believe I chose and God knew I was supposed to carry him. I knew the moment I saw those 2 lines he was in the right place and a huge miracle in a lot of lives. He has taught me so much in the short time I knew him.

I know without a doubt he is loved and adored by them. He is in great hands, they are great parents. I just hope for what ever reason they feel its best that I am not around that they always feel my love. I will continue to pray for them and I will respect them, I will keep sacrificing for them.  I will always love that little boy but I will always be heartbroken that I will never know/see his big accomplishments in his life. I will dream of they day in heaven I get to hug him and he will know the true intent of my heart because it may be that long before I ever see them again.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Miracle at Birth

Once I was in my labor room ready to get the show on the road. It was around 1am on April Fools Day.  My mom showed up and I was checked and I was a 4+ it was official there was change from being a 3 a couple hours earlier. I was in labor!

My Sexy dorky husband and my amazing nurse my mom

As another half an hour past I was hurting and I remember thinking were are the Intended Parents its been like 5 hours and it only takes an hour.  I looked at the clock it had only been 45 minutes since I called them and told them to leave. By this point I was tired, hurting and ready for my epidural. My mom wanted to wait till the Mommy and Daddy showed up so they
could be apart of everything. Thankfully they showed up. They had the sweetest smiles as they walked in. It was like they were ready to meet their baby boy. They were the luckiest people in that room and mommy doesn't have to feel any pain to get him here.  

I got my epidural, it took him a few minutes due to some tissue in my back. I had 4 contractions in the meantime. Felt like another 5 hours. My mom was holding me and my Intended mom was holding my hand. It finally worked and I was ready to rest and ready to dilate with no pain. 

Got to check Facebook

I Don't remember much after my epidural was in.  My friend showed up with her beautiful camera ready to capture this moment. I remember being checked a couple times,  feeling a big pop when my water finally broke. But other than this I don't remember conversations or anything else until it was time to start pushing.

Then it was time for Miracles to happen......

As they are dressing up my Intended mom to deliver her own son. The Doctor walked in ready to go. Not my regular Doctor, he had to go out of town on me. Dad was saying I will stay by your head. Thanks to my mom he got to hold a leg. I loved the look in his face as she says "grab this leg" He was ah really! He had to see and know what its like when you're having a baby.  He would have seen everything any ways. I love seeing, so there was a mirror.

I pushed once... ONCE!! While I was pushing, I looked at mom and dads face and I saw bright eyes. Then dad said " Wow he has a lot of hair". Then my mom said " he has the cord wrapped around his neck".  I yelled "Is he out?". With big smiles everyone said yes!!  He came out and had a sweet soft cry at 4:33am on April fools Day!! 

Mom Delivered her Baby boy
Daddy got to cut the cord. He was nervous. Before delivery he kept asking about what type of scissors he would need to cut it. We were telling him that they use the friskars brand.  He had to really put some muscle into cutting it, but with surgical scissors not friskars.

Dad cut the cord
They put the baby on my belly got him cleaned up.  Again after I don't remember to much. I think I just watched them play with their baby boy. While the doctor fixed me up. The doctor did tell me I know how to birth babies. I told him "it because of my wide set vagina" then my husband had to say "it works really well for him." It was fun to see the Doctor jump back in laughter.

Baby Boy weighed 6 pounds 11 ounces. 20 inches long!!

He has such a handsome face and I love his hair. It is so long and it sticks straight up. I know he is not my genetics but I think I helped a little with his cuteness because I baked him just right. 

Dad giving him his first feeding 

Then they were ready to move us over to mom and baby. The put my Intended mom and I both in a wheel chair.  

The Birth went exactly how I envisioned it and I couldn't ask for anything more. Except for not having doctor there. I will have to give him crap in a few weeks. I feel bad though, I know he really wanted to be there. Maybe from now on my doctor will know to plan his life around mine ;) 

Thank you Erin from Pink daffodil photography for my amazing photos !

Monday, April 23, 2012

Labor of love

On March 31,  I woke up with a little spotting. I wondered if it meant I would go into labor soon. My mom is a labor and delivery nurse and I had asked her to be my nurse. I called her Saturday knowing she was working that night and thought maybe she would check me and see if there had been any change.

About 7:30pm on Saturday my mom calls me to tell me she got called off work so if I want I can run up there and she would check real quick.  When I got there we had talked to her work friends for a bit then it was time to see if baby boy was getting ready. I was dilated to a 3. Then she stripped my membranes but she had said they were already stripped and my bag of water was really flimsy. Then I got up and instantly had a contraction that HURT! I passed it off that it was cause she checked me. We went to the front desk and talked to her co workers for a bit more.  I remember telling one of the girls I keep having ouchy contractions and she said  "you want me to time them?" I told her no its probably because my mom just checked me.

We decided to go get some dinner, we went to chilis. I wanted their chips and salsa. When we got there I started timing my contractions...

By the time we were done eating I was feeling pretty miserable. My mom had ran into an old friend at the restaurant and they were talking and all I could think was get me out of here. I actually was starting to think uh oh what did I do!! I asked my mom " will you kill me, I think your going to have to go back to work." By the time I left my contractions were 6 minutes apart. I went home and got in the bath, hoping they would stop. I wanted to go to bed.  By the time I got out of the bath the contractions were 3 minutes apart. At this point I still was thinking is it because I was checked. I climb into bed. I had 3 contractions and sweaty palms. I looked at my husband and said" I think its time" He was sad it was the last few minutes of a Lakers game and now he will miss it.  I called my mom and told her to meet me at the hospital but I was still worried that it was false labor. 

I got out of bed and as I got into the shower (I have to be squeaky clean if others are seeing my chochee)  I had a large amount of blood. While I was in the shower I yelled at my husband to call my Intended Parents and tell them to leave. They live about an hour away from the hospital. When I got out I was hunched over, breathing deep and moving as fast as I could to get out the door. My Aunt came in and saw me and said " You may want to call the Intended Parents, your husband made it sound like it may be false labor. They wanted us to call them when we got to the hospital to be sure.  And I can tell your in labor".  I let a contraction pass and what I can remember I called them and said "You need to leave now! This is it! I know it is" As I am panting.  

We got in the car and as we were driving I started a contraction and the road was in really bad shape. I was screaming "GET OFF THIS ROAD!!!" I was holding my butt off the seat trying not to feel the shaking car. My husband is saying "Dont kill me, sue the city" He then ran the red light to get me to the hospital that was on the corner.  I told him to drop me off at the door, I will walk myself up to Labor and delivery.  I didn't want to walk any farther than I had too! 

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Rewinding a bit

Mid march I remember starting to feel like April was coming too fast. I never really felt like I was ready to deliver. I felt really good. He was behaving himself and staying out of my ribs. I had major heartburn but the Antacid was doing its job. I was tired but thats nothing new. But knowing that when your done your done kinda made me not want to be done.

Taken at Baby shower 36 weeks 3 Days
We had a scare mid march that I really thought that my water had broken. Even the nurses thought it was but after 5 different test they sent me home. The weekend following my Intended mom had her baby shower. Up to this point I did not want to deliver but I remember feeling that after the shower it was safe to deliver anytime. I loved meeting her family and friends. They made me feel at home. Also Baby boy just kept moving and jumping out of my stomach. It was so nice to have them all witness that. I knew right then how much he would be loved. I knew he would be loved by his mommy, daddy and siblings but knowing extended family would adore him also just brought such peace to me.

Then the following monday we had our 37 week Dr. appointment.  I was dilated to a 2 and at this point I started to worry about when I would deliver because my Intended mom was leaving town that day until the end of the week. Then my Dr. was leaving the following weekend (which was when I delivered) and my Photographer was leaving town the day after my Doctor came back. I told my doctor that I really thought he would come on April 1st. while he was gone. He did not believe me. I don't know why but my whole pregnancy I thought April 1st.  As the next week approached I was 38 weeks  I really started to get anxious. This really bugged me. I didn't want to deliver I felt really good yet everyday I would think "will it be today".

Then on March 31, I woke up and I had a little spotting. All day I wondered did it mean anything. Little did I know it meant a lot..........

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

"April Fools"

Its not an April Fools joke. Baby Boy was born on April 1, 2012

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Full Term Baby!!!!

Oh I have been so bad at writing on my blog. When I go through my edit post I have like ten post I started but never finished. Now that I have only 3 weeks hopefully at most of this pregnancy I should update. right?!?

I just cant believe how time is flying and it seems to be getting faster now that were so close. My own children pregnancies dragged. I think it a little

We are doing well baby boy is getting big and I have noticed he has dropped. His butt is closer to my belly button than ribs now. I am getting really excited to meet him. I am so excited for his family to snuggle him and love him. I think he is one of the luckiest boys ever. The other day I went to his baby shower and it was way fun to see the family so excited for his arrival. I had given them a photo that my dear friend took with and another friend wrote a quote on my belly.  I thought of  the quote first thing one morning at 7 am. I was laying in Bed and I jumped up and had to write it down, I kinda freaked my husband out.  Im proud of the photo! I just hope they love it!