Me as a Gestational Carrier!!

** A moment in my Tummy, forever in my heart**

Thank you for visiting my blog! I'm not the best writer so bare with me as I try to tell about my experience :) I am a mom of 4 ranging from ages 13-3. About 12 years ago I decided that one day I would help a family bring a child into this world. In 2011 I met my first Intended family and delivered a baby boy on Aprils fools Day 2012. I now am matched with my second family and I look forward to what this journey brings to us.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I Lost a part of me today..

My husband has been so excited for this day, NOT! You know the day he has to keep his hands to himself for a while. I am no longer protected, I no longer have an IUD in to make sure we don't make our own babies.  This day though is great for me I no longer have to use the excuse that I have a head ache or pretend to be asleep. I wish you could see my perma grin. lol

Today when my Intended mom showed up to the doctors office she had this cute care package.  I had told her a week ago that there is a little bit of cramping when it is removed. I love that she thought of me and my needs for today. I will defiantly enjoy these products and I will do my best to not confuse or mix up what each of their purpose is. ((wink wink)) 

Friday, January 18, 2013

Gratefully matched

I had mentioned before about dating, so this is not really a surprise that "I'm Matched" but I wanted to tell my story.

Back in November I was talking to a family that lived in another state. I fell in love with this mom but unfortunately it fell through because of my issue with the medications in my last journey.  We have kept in touch and I am so happy to hear that they were able to find another amazing surro and things are going great.

In the meantime the lawyer that had introduced me to my last Intended parents had mentioned that he had a family looking and he thought I would be perfect for them. At the time I was so nervous about a local couple but also looking forward to another local couple.

We had met and ended up talking for four hours. You could tell that they truly were curious about me and not just my uterus. The dad was not feeling well but he held it together very well.  The next day I called them and said "I am really sorry and I feel horrible but you are stuck with me a really long time" I confused her but then she yelled " We have a baby mamma!"

Since then I am so amazed with how my life has changed.  About 6 months ago I was feeling that maybe I was not allowed to have a journey that I had in my head but now I know I can. I have found so much healing and forgiveness in my past because this family has stepped in my life. I truly feel that we will be close no matter our future and they are a true blessing in my life.

On Christmas day they came over and my Intended mom brought me the sweetest gift. When I opened it she said "This is because you're my angel".  

Well I hope I can always be an Angel in their eyes and I will work my hardest to be an amazing carrier for their little sweet pea. I keep thinking this week that what will I be saying a year from now. I just hope I will be saying that they have a baby in their arms and I have been able to be apart of their dream.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

My Dearest Jenny

I hear stories all the time about infertility. It so breaks my heart.  I don't understand what so ever what others go through. I wonder why I am so fertile while others work so hard. I almost feel guilty that I would freak out when we were trying and I would get a negative test but then with in a couple days I would get a positive. I know way stupid but I truly cant imagine these families that take this test every month with hope but know it will be negative or if its positive you most likely wont make it to 10 weeks. I tear up thinking about their tears each month.
Such a bad picture of me but look cute Jenny and my Lu Lu a week old

I really feel my ability to have children have brought me to this place were I can help others but it also breaks my heart that I cant help everyone.  One person I would give anything to be able to help is my bestest friend Jenny!! She doesn't need my uterus though, she needs my tubes. If there was fallopian tube transplant she would have them.  Although with the price of the surgery  she could do IVF.

Last night I told my husband that I want to help them with my new surrogacy journey to help get them to their dream. He looked at me and said "NO" I think the only no he has ever said to me. Then he says "I know your donation number is much higher than what I'm thinking" I AGREE with his argument!! Now I just need to get him on my side ;) If your making wishes, wish that her baby dreams come true! My Jenny is one of the most loving people I know and she would give anything. She truly deserves this!!!  Please send her your support, love and Compassion. Love you Jenny Jen Jen!!! 

Friday, November 30, 2012

8 months old

Tomorrow my little surro man will be 8 months old. I've been really thinking about him the last few days. I ponder on how big he must be. I wonder what he is up to, if he is crawling to their Christmas tree tearing all the ornaments off and they keep telling no. I wonder when he smiles at them does he have two or more cute teeth that shine at them. Does he laugh so hard that their heart melt every time.

 I know he is great hands. I know his family LOVES him so much. I KNOW they adore him. I am sad that I don't get to witness this but I know I am supposed to sacrifice for this little guy and I will continue to sacrifice. I love that little boy and his family. My mom is always telling me "nobody can never take that you carried him" Wise words mommy, Thank you!

Happy 8 months little guy!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Are we exclusive?

I often hear about how Surrogacy feels like you're dating and it totally has very similar feelings.
When people ask me about my last journey I always tell them that they broke up with me. I wish we could be friends but unfortunately when you have broken up being friends never works out, right?  When I think about what I would do if I ran into them somewhere. I think I hope I look good, I hope they see I am doing well, and I hope it they will feel bad or miss me.  It will be a very awkward conversation. I sometimes refer it to it almost feels as scary as run if I hurt their child not brought him into the world. Its crazy to feel this way about it.

When You go on your first date. Its a blind date or you may know a little bit about them because of each others profiles online or thru an agency. Just this last week I went on my second journeys first date. That day I called my friends up and asked them to go shopping for a cute outfit. I had to look cute and very baby carrying approved. While we were at dinner my Intended mom mentioned how she feels like were dating and she also had to look cute.  Of course our men thought we were nuts.  The only difference from normal dating you hope they ask you if they can knock you up on the first date and how many they want to knock you up with. You do get very personal for a first meeting.

Since last week I get all excited when I see that she has text or called. I may even do a little hop skip and a jump! Then when were done talking the anxiety hits. Did I say the right thing, do they still like me, will she text back, maybe I should give them space, wait a couple days before I call or text, I may be coming on to strong, uh it so confusing and exciting!

Monday, September 3, 2012

My Tears

This post is going to be very hard for me to write. I have gone back and forth wether I should write this post or publish it. I've worried that it may come back and bite me in the butt, but I have felt strongly that I need to post it.  Maybe it may help a future surrogate, Intended parents or it may be for myself but for what ever  the reason I know it will do its job. The feelings in the post are only my point of view and anything I say about how my Intended parents is strictly my feelings or my view towards it. I truly have no idea what they might me feeling and I don't want any harsh feeling towards them.

I have not written in my blog since baby boy was born due to my broken heart. I have even had a hard time reading anyones else's blogs. When I decided to be a surrogate about 10 years ago I truly felt I would change the world, change a life or a few lives, answer a prayer, make a dream come true, Be apart of a blessing. I wanted to make a Mommy and a Daddy. I felt so strongly that my ability to have children was to help others have children.  I really believed that I was doing such an amazing thing but now I wonder how this amazing thing would make me feel so shitty as if I had done something so wrong. As if I had hurt someone so badly that  it would take forever for them to forgive me.

I really feel that every surrogate and every Intended parent has their Idea of the journey they want to have and after the baby arrives. I don't think any Idea is wrong, we all get to feel the way we feel about our journeys. Wether it turns out the way we hoped or not, its still ok to feel the way we do.

 I always dreamt what I wanted out of my experience. I dreamt that I would be apart of their life big or small. I truly only wanted to see what I had done. I also wanted to feel appreciated for my sacrifice.  I wanted to witness the love. I always told others that I would do it for a boob job as a joke but always thought I could do it for free. I never wanted the money! THE MONEY HAS BEEN THE HARDEST PART! I feel sick to stomach when I hear "Business transaction".

So now to my story, The little boy I delivered family has decided it was in their best interest to no longer have a relationship with me. I have my speculations as to why but honestly I have no Idea. I have had my inklings from the beginning that this maybe the outcome. When we first met we really hit it off but when I had told them that I wanted to see what I have done I had said " I want to be like aunt Jen." The dads response was "well the baby will already has an aunt Jen but I guess you can be aunt Jen also." I always wondered what that meant but I just passed it off that maybe they were thinking I wanted more of connection than what I was thinking. I had called my Intended mom before we got pregnant and told her about another surro that was sad because her family no longer wanted anything with her. I told my Intended mom that was my worst fear and I wanted to know how they felt so I could prepare myself if they wanted no relationship. She told me a couple concerns she had but then said I would be in their life.

Then as time passed I realized how distant they were from me. They were their at every appointment and very supportive of the pregnancy but I never felt that there was anything more. I actually felt like I was on a first date every time I saw them. I had written them sweet notes and I would hear nothing back. I would just pass it off that they were private people.

I felt that I would try to involve them in anyway I could. I wanted to give them a journey and a surrogate that they would always be grateful for. When I was pregnant when people would ask about the pregnancy I would tell them proudly what I was doing and every response I got was "you are amazing." as they were saying this I would think why does everyone think Im amazing but this little boys parents don't feel this way about me. It always broke my heart but I still wanted to feel that it was amazing so I would tell people what I was doing proudly.

When he was born the birth was so perfect. She got to deliver him and dad cut the cord and professional photographer, it truly was PERFECT.  As they were taking him away from me I remember thinking the cord is cut.. for good! Then it all went down hill from there. I thought the hospital would be my last moments. I thought we would be a family for that two days.  I had told my Intended mom that I wanted 5 minutes alone with him to say good bye because I knew there was going to be a goodbye but my wish was never granted. I've never had the chance to say goodbye ever!!! I had a lot of disappointments but I just hoped that I was wrong and I didn't need to say goodbye. I have never felt so alone as I did in the hospital! It was the worst feeling being in my room alone with their room next to me and babies crying around me. Im sure the hormones didn't help.

I had tried to keep in touch. I would text them and I would worry every time that I would overstepping my boundaries. I would ask what my boundaries were but I never really got an answer. When he was four weeks old we had gone to lunch and she didn't bring the baby. I thought it was because I was there. I got up the courage to tell her how I was feeling, She said I would be in her life forever and seemed very sincere. She seemed very sympathetic of my worries. I felt so much better  and as a couple weeks past I saw a few pictures posted on FB, a couple text and I got to visit. It was so perfect it was all I needed.

I had not received any updates on there terms up to this point. In fact they have never contacted me on their terms ever since he has been born. It was only after I had contacted them or after I had expressed my feelings that they started posting pics.

  Then a couple months ago I was interviewed with a local newspaper with a friend. 
When the article came out I text her and said "Here is an interview I did. I hope you like it." Then about a month ago my Intended mom called me and told me that its not that they didn't like but they don't like it.  She proceeded to tell me that they want their baby boy to have a normal life. That if we were going to have a relationship it couldn't involve him. She said they wanted me to move on. She had told me her family was number one and they did not have room for Jen and her family in it. When he was born I had made a FB post that he was born, she said that they were ok with me posting because I did not mention them but I never mentioned the money and they didn't want people to think they took advantage of me, that it was a business transaction. But through out the phone call she kept saying she didn't want to hurt me that they appreciate what I have done. I was crying the whole time but  I didn't even really get what she was saying until I hung up the phone.

I have overplayed the last year and half over and over. The last few months I have had a lot of guilt. Thinking what did I do wrong. That maybe I should have gone into this with different expectations. Then a couple weeks ago I went to my OBGYNs and I started crying as he asked me how they were. He started to tell me what he noticed how Infertile couples feel. He said that they don't feel human that as a female you are supposed to carry your child and that a man is supposed to be able to produce children. He said its dysfunctional but its ok, its a process every infertile couple have to grieve and work through.Then he started to tell me a story about his son. He was struggling with a test that was coming up in school so he hired a teacher to come tutor him 3 nights a week and when the test came he did a great job and came home very excited about his accomplishment. He had asked his son to write the teacher a Thank you note. His son then said "Why? It was her job" He then told him you needed to except the reason you needed the help and he told him you will send her a Thank you. He then looked at me and said "YOU CANNOT BE GRATEFUL FOR THE HELP ALONG THE WAY IF CANNOT EXCEPT THE REASON WHY THE HELP IS NEEDED"
My heart was softened at that moment. I had thought of the millions of ways that they might be feeling but I could not understand why that meant they could treat me this way or why they felt this way about me. They may not feel this way but it sure helped how I feel about it now. I hope for what ever reason they may be feeling. If they are struggling in any way about our relationship I hope they know or feel that I never want to be a source of their pain or grief. I truly only wanted a safe place for them to turn in their time of need. From carrying their baby to being their friend, or listening ear.

But now I know I get to feel any way I want about my journey! I get to want a relationship! I get to love this little boy! I get to be proud! I get to also talk about it proudly not shamefully!! I also get to be sad, disappointed and I will grieve about the outcome!  I have been asked a few times what I would do different or if I would have known what the outcome, would I have carried for them. What I would have differently, I would have asked them what they wanted relationship wise after birth before telling them my feelings in the beginning. I feel they would have been more honest than going along with my idea of what I wanted.  If I knew this would of been the outcome I truly don't know what I would have done.  I believe I was the wrong Surro for their idea but I know for a fact I was supposed to sacrifice for this little boy! I believe I chose and God knew I was supposed to carry him. I knew the moment I saw those 2 lines he was in the right place and a huge miracle in a lot of lives. He has taught me so much in the short time I knew him.

I know without a doubt he is loved and adored by them. He is in great hands, they are great parents. I just hope for what ever reason they feel its best that I am not around that they always feel my love. I will continue to pray for them and I will respect them, I will keep sacrificing for them.  I will always love that little boy but I will always be heartbroken that I will never know/see his big accomplishments in his life. I will dream of they day in heaven I get to hug him and he will know the true intent of my heart because it may be that long before I ever see them again.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Miracle at Birth

Once I was in my labor room ready to get the show on the road. It was around 1am on April Fools Day.  My mom showed up and I was checked and I was a 4+ it was official there was change from being a 3 a couple hours earlier. I was in labor!

My Sexy dorky husband and my amazing nurse my mom

As another half an hour past I was hurting and I remember thinking were are the Intended Parents its been like 5 hours and it only takes an hour.  I looked at the clock it had only been 45 minutes since I called them and told them to leave. By this point I was tired, hurting and ready for my epidural. My mom wanted to wait till the Mommy and Daddy showed up so they
could be apart of everything. Thankfully they showed up. They had the sweetest smiles as they walked in. It was like they were ready to meet their baby boy. They were the luckiest people in that room and mommy doesn't have to feel any pain to get him here.  

I got my epidural, it took him a few minutes due to some tissue in my back. I had 4 contractions in the meantime. Felt like another 5 hours. My mom was holding me and my Intended mom was holding my hand. It finally worked and I was ready to rest and ready to dilate with no pain. 

Got to check Facebook

I Don't remember much after my epidural was in.  My friend showed up with her beautiful camera ready to capture this moment. I remember being checked a couple times,  feeling a big pop when my water finally broke. But other than this I don't remember conversations or anything else until it was time to start pushing.

Then it was time for Miracles to happen......

As they are dressing up my Intended mom to deliver her own son. The Doctor walked in ready to go. Not my regular Doctor, he had to go out of town on me. Dad was saying I will stay by your head. Thanks to my mom he got to hold a leg. I loved the look in his face as she says "grab this leg" He was ah really! He had to see and know what its like when you're having a baby.  He would have seen everything any ways. I love seeing, so there was a mirror.

I pushed once... ONCE!! While I was pushing, I looked at mom and dads face and I saw bright eyes. Then dad said " Wow he has a lot of hair". Then my mom said " he has the cord wrapped around his neck".  I yelled "Is he out?". With big smiles everyone said yes!!  He came out and had a sweet soft cry at 4:33am on April fools Day!! 

Mom Delivered her Baby boy
Daddy got to cut the cord. He was nervous. Before delivery he kept asking about what type of scissors he would need to cut it. We were telling him that they use the friskars brand.  He had to really put some muscle into cutting it, but with surgical scissors not friskars.

Dad cut the cord
They put the baby on my belly got him cleaned up.  Again after I don't remember to much. I think I just watched them play with their baby boy. While the doctor fixed me up. The doctor did tell me I know how to birth babies. I told him "it because of my wide set vagina" then my husband had to say "it works really well for him." It was fun to see the Doctor jump back in laughter.

Baby Boy weighed 6 pounds 11 ounces. 20 inches long!!

He has such a handsome face and I love his hair. It is so long and it sticks straight up. I know he is not my genetics but I think I helped a little with his cuteness because I baked him just right. 

Dad giving him his first feeding 

Then they were ready to move us over to mom and baby. The put my Intended mom and I both in a wheel chair.  

The Birth went exactly how I envisioned it and I couldn't ask for anything more. Except for not having doctor there. I will have to give him crap in a few weeks. I feel bad though, I know he really wanted to be there. Maybe from now on my doctor will know to plan his life around mine ;) 

Thank you Erin from Pink daffodil photography for my amazing photos !

Monday, April 23, 2012

Labor of love

On March 31,  I woke up with a little spotting. I wondered if it meant I would go into labor soon. My mom is a labor and delivery nurse and I had asked her to be my nurse. I called her Saturday knowing she was working that night and thought maybe she would check me and see if there had been any change.

About 7:30pm on Saturday my mom calls me to tell me she got called off work so if I want I can run up there and she would check real quick.  When I got there we had talked to her work friends for a bit then it was time to see if baby boy was getting ready. I was dilated to a 3. Then she stripped my membranes but she had said they were already stripped and my bag of water was really flimsy. Then I got up and instantly had a contraction that HURT! I passed it off that it was cause she checked me. We went to the front desk and talked to her co workers for a bit more.  I remember telling one of the girls I keep having ouchy contractions and she said  "you want me to time them?" I told her no its probably because my mom just checked me.

We decided to go get some dinner, we went to chilis. I wanted their chips and salsa. When we got there I started timing my contractions...

By the time we were done eating I was feeling pretty miserable. My mom had ran into an old friend at the restaurant and they were talking and all I could think was get me out of here. I actually was starting to think uh oh what did I do!! I asked my mom " will you kill me, I think your going to have to go back to work." By the time I left my contractions were 6 minutes apart. I went home and got in the bath, hoping they would stop. I wanted to go to bed.  By the time I got out of the bath the contractions were 3 minutes apart. At this point I still was thinking is it because I was checked. I climb into bed. I had 3 contractions and sweaty palms. I looked at my husband and said" I think its time" He was sad it was the last few minutes of a Lakers game and now he will miss it.  I called my mom and told her to meet me at the hospital but I was still worried that it was false labor. 

I got out of bed and as I got into the shower (I have to be squeaky clean if others are seeing my chochee)  I had a large amount of blood. While I was in the shower I yelled at my husband to call my Intended Parents and tell them to leave. They live about an hour away from the hospital. When I got out I was hunched over, breathing deep and moving as fast as I could to get out the door. My Aunt came in and saw me and said " You may want to call the Intended Parents, your husband made it sound like it may be false labor. They wanted us to call them when we got to the hospital to be sure.  And I can tell your in labor".  I let a contraction pass and what I can remember I called them and said "You need to leave now! This is it! I know it is" As I am panting.  

We got in the car and as we were driving I started a contraction and the road was in really bad shape. I was screaming "GET OFF THIS ROAD!!!" I was holding my butt off the seat trying not to feel the shaking car. My husband is saying "Dont kill me, sue the city" He then ran the red light to get me to the hospital that was on the corner.  I told him to drop me off at the door, I will walk myself up to Labor and delivery.  I didn't want to walk any farther than I had too! 

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Rewinding a bit

Mid march I remember starting to feel like April was coming too fast. I never really felt like I was ready to deliver. I felt really good. He was behaving himself and staying out of my ribs. I had major heartburn but the Antacid was doing its job. I was tired but thats nothing new. But knowing that when your done your done kinda made me not want to be done.

Taken at Baby shower 36 weeks 3 Days
We had a scare mid march that I really thought that my water had broken. Even the nurses thought it was but after 5 different test they sent me home. The weekend following my Intended mom had her baby shower. Up to this point I did not want to deliver but I remember feeling that after the shower it was safe to deliver anytime. I loved meeting her family and friends. They made me feel at home. Also Baby boy just kept moving and jumping out of my stomach. It was so nice to have them all witness that. I knew right then how much he would be loved. I knew he would be loved by his mommy, daddy and siblings but knowing extended family would adore him also just brought such peace to me.

Then the following monday we had our 37 week Dr. appointment.  I was dilated to a 2 and at this point I started to worry about when I would deliver because my Intended mom was leaving town that day until the end of the week. Then my Dr. was leaving the following weekend (which was when I delivered) and my Photographer was leaving town the day after my Doctor came back. I told my doctor that I really thought he would come on April 1st. while he was gone. He did not believe me. I don't know why but my whole pregnancy I thought April 1st.  As the next week approached I was 38 weeks  I really started to get anxious. This really bugged me. I didn't want to deliver I felt really good yet everyday I would think "will it be today".

Then on March 31, I woke up and I had a little spotting. All day I wondered did it mean anything. Little did I know it meant a lot..........

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

"April Fools"

Its not an April Fools joke. Baby Boy was born on April 1, 2012

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Full Term Baby!!!!

Oh I have been so bad at writing on my blog. When I go through my edit post I have like ten post I started but never finished. Now that I have only 3 weeks hopefully at most of this pregnancy I should update. right?!?

I just cant believe how time is flying and it seems to be getting faster now that were so close. My own children pregnancies dragged. I think it a little

We are doing well baby boy is getting big and I have noticed he has dropped. His butt is closer to my belly button than ribs now. I am getting really excited to meet him. I am so excited for his family to snuggle him and love him. I think he is one of the luckiest boys ever. The other day I went to his baby shower and it was way fun to see the family so excited for his arrival. I had given them a photo that my dear friend took with and another friend wrote a quote on my belly.  I thought of  the quote first thing one morning at 7 am. I was laying in Bed and I jumped up and had to write it down, I kinda freaked my husband out.  Im proud of the photo! I just hope they love it!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Im 22 weeks!!!!!!

He is big enough now that I watch my belly ripple as he kicks, hiccups and does summersaults.
Its so crazy for me to think I am past the half way point and Im only a couple weeks away that (heaven forbid) if he were born he is considered viable. I love hitting these milestones.  

Its kinda crazy to analyze some of my thoughts. I forget Im pregnant all the time. I have people ask you're having another one,  how far along are you , etc. and it will catch me off guard almost as if I have a big belly with no baby in it and that person just stuck their foot in their mouth.  Sometimes when he kicks for a split second I think what was that. When I see Ultrasounds It seems as if it's my friends belly and I'm there for support. Its so hard to explain but I hear that other surrogates see it the same way. Ive even wondered can this baby feel that the connection that is not there. I hope he know how much he is loved. 

Thank you to Erin with Pink Daffodil photography for taking this photo

Monday, November 21, 2011

Happy Halloweenie

Since Halloween I have been kinda keeping my mouth shut about this day.  I wanted My IP's to tell who they wanted to before I spill the beans. We went to our Ultrasound and found out they are going to have a BOY!!!!!

Then later I met up with my sweet good friend. She is also a surrogate. We met thought a local surrogate group. We have become good friends and we have very similar stories.  We are due a couple days apart. We didn't even plan on having the same Halloween costume. Great pregnant surrogates think alike!!!!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Little couple

I am so sorry it takes me forever to post to my blog.  Every day I think of something I would like to write about but then my bed looks way more comfortable. I am still really tired but I can tell my energy is slowly returning... YEAH!!!  I am not nauseous constantly like I was a week ago but I have to eat like every five minutes or I get nauseous.  I think I will gain 1,000 lbs this pregnancy :)

Monday we are going to our next Dr. appointment and also were going to find out what kind of body parts this child has. Hopefully for halloween is not dressed in a transgender costume.  So on Monday I will let you know if its a Happy Halloweenie or not. Also I have the cutest halloween costume that im excited to share with ya.

But I also wanted to share this blog post from Jen on The Little couple. I always miss their show and now Im so sad because I realized today as I was in my bed watching  t.v. I saw their commercial for their season finally. They are going to find out if their surrogate is pregnant. I had no Idea they were using a surrogate. I think I will be glued to their show now.  I came across a blog that Jen wrote on the TLC website and I just fell in love with her. What a beautiful women! I hope the very best for them and their Surrogate. TLC Jen's Blog

Friday, September 23, 2011

Sweet Rolls

I am so sorry for never posting. I have been so tired and I keep starting post but then I fall asleep. And to be honest I thought nobody really reads this.  My blog is just not that fun and all my fun Ideas are to far to reach because I can barely lift my arms. Well I have been yelled at a couple times because somebody wants to read my blog and I am not updating it. I am so sorry to my readers I will get much better. Now that I am almost out of 1st trimester I should feel a little like myself again.

I started writing this, this morning and again had to walk away due to lack of energy.  But I am amazed I didn't take a nap and I feel ok and Im not nauseous!  When I woke up today I started craving sweets. I wanted a sweet roll from Village Baker. Sweets have not been my friend. In fact its made me sicker. But Today I am finally feeling satisfied!

Today I am 11.2 weeks. I can't believe how time is flying. I am getting a little more nervous planning for whats to come. Its more real that I have to deliver this baby. I have a lot of the same fears when I'm pregnant with my own but at the same time these fears are so different. I have an Idea of how delivery will go and my feelings I will have. I really see this beautiful day with lots of emotions but witnessing so many miracles and blessings. I dream of this day often. But I have really had to put myself in a place that it may not go the way I see it. I have to plan for the worst but so hope for the best.

A couple weeks ago my mom and I played on an Ultrasound machine. This baby is getting so big. It was so sweet to see it kicking and punching me.  As I was looking at the Ultrasound I kept trying to understand what I was feeling. I was looking at this baby in MY belly, yet it didn't feel like my belly I was looking at. But I was so excited seeing all the movement and a strong heartbeat.  Then as we got a shot that the baby was waving its sweet little hands at me. I said " oh its waving at aunt Jen" I realized I saw this Ultrasound as if I was aunt Jen or a close friend. I love this baby but I defiantly don't see it as mine. It's been very Interesting feeling these emotions.

The first picture is the waving hand. The second is the spine.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

5 days to late... Sorry!

I have been really bad at updating or doing anything for that matter lately! This sleepiness is getting the best of me.  We had our Ultrasound on Monday. It was a great day the Intended mommy and daddy, and my mommy came. We got there and of course because I was nervous the clinic was running a little late. But I forgave instantly when we saw a perfect heartbeat of  ONE  cute baby. 

I was a little shocked, I think I thought it would be twins. I kinda got a little sad until I felt relieved the thought that bed rest or premature labor was most likely not going to happen now. I am very happy for  my family. I think this baby is going to be so loved and I am so excited for their blessings they will recieve because of this Cute little peanut. 

Monday, August 22, 2011

The belly

I really haven't known what to think about this belly.  I really woke up and it was there one day and its getting bigger. I am only 7 weeks pregnant on tuesday. I am not very fond of it.  Non of my clothes fit, it's embarrassing to tell people, ya Im only 6 weeks after they notice on their own there is a belly on me.  I've been looking at a few maternity clothes or bigger clothes but bigger clothes won't fit long and maternity clothes, I haven't even seen a heartbeat I don't want to move to fast.  I am also am a volunteer photographer for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. We take pictures of Infant or child loss. The other day I could not find a photographer for two Angels.  So I tried on everything I had to hide it so I could go. I don't own a lot of bigger clothes I like tighter less clothing especially in summer.   It was the one day in my life I wanted people to think I was fat not pregnant.  I can't take pictures for these moms that just lost their  baby while I am flaunting my pregnant belly. Its just not fair to them and the pain they are going through.   As I tried to hide it I walked into the hospital and a nurse I knew said "Jen are you?" as she looked at my belly. She had no idea I was doing Surrogacy. So I think I'll be taking a brake from my Angels :( Which I am so sad about!!!

8/21/11 6 weeks 6 days

Here is a picture to compare, This picture was taken 10 days before the transfer.

Today is my first Ultrasound hopefully we see great heartbeat(s). I am really excited! I might start really liking the belly after.

Friday, August 19, 2011

6 Weeks

This post is a tad late, I am 6 weeks and 3 days now. I wrote this the other day but I wanted to post a belly pic with it but I am not feeling so photogenic this week. I will get one up soon because I'm looking preggo. I have been nauseous and so sleepy. Wow I fall asleep looking at the computer. Today has been a little rough I woke up with a little old blood. I have never bleed in any of my pregnancies so it a little nerve racking.  Its since gone away but I have had kind of a crampy feeling. So hopefully all is well and we will see heartbeats on Monday.

*This week's major developments: 

*The nose, mouth, and ears are beginning to take shape.

*Baby's eyes and nostrils are starting to form. 

*The ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. 

*His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute

 *Blood is beginning to course through his body. 

*The intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. 

*The pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. 

*K and J's baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a lentil.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Beta is in :)


Here is a list of other Surro's #s on a 12 day past a 5 day transfer.  So who knows It could 1,2, 3, or 4  :) 

SINGLETON: 46, 58, 72, 89, 97, 104, 113.6, 126, 161, 212, 223, 226, 252, 298, 300, 325, 340, 342, 351, 376, 416, 423, 430, 503, 505, 526, 566, 580, 634, 699, 709, 857
TWINS: 389, 408, 428, 451, 518.6, 653, 688, 688, 741, 746, 774, 766, 824, 969, 971, 1021, 1045, 1108, 1149, 1155, 1250, 1507, 1554, 1663, 1709, 1685, 2065, 2408, 2783, 3833
TRIPS: 333, 473, 746, 801, 1017, 1129, 2085, 3028
QUADS: 215

Whats your guess??? Humor me and Guess on the right side :) 

Our Ultrasound is August 22nd!

What will it be?

Here I am at 6 Am wondering why I am awake.  I should be sleeping but my Beta is today and for some reason I am really nervous. You would think after 30 positive test, Nausea, a 15 week belly and a missed period would mean I am pregnant. right? For some reason Im scared of a low number and Im scared of a high number.  I am afraid of it working out but also afraid of a litter. This is all so nerve-racking.  I will let you know when I hear!!!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

babies or fat?

Brennon my 4 year old was rubbing my belly as I was curling my hair today and he ask " Mom is there babies in here or are you fat?"

Well Brennon I believe it fat  but yes buddy there are babies/baby in there!
I have a pooch but seriously I woke up yesterday looking 5 months pregnant. My body must know what to do. This is my 5th pregnancy. But maybe I will lay off the hamburgers and fries from Five guys.

Friday, July 29, 2011


All I can say is How many can you take in 24 hours?

13 That is!!!!!
Some of them are hard to see but lines are all there!!! Congrats to my IP's!!! 

P.s. the 4dp5dt is 4 days after transfer and How many days past embryos retrieval they were 5 days old. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Patriotic baby

Wednesday when I went into the clinic we did not see my egg in my ovary anymore,  I had ovulated. Then we knew transfer date would be July 24th.  If there is a baby in my belly we will have a patriotic baby. My Period started on July 4th then we transferred on July 24th (Utah's Birthday) This baby likes
As sunday came along I was so busy I didn't have much time to think about Transfer which was awesome. It didn't even hit me till we were driving to the clinic. 

We had our appointment at 1 and I needed to have a full bladder but of course I needed to pee at 12:30 so I then started loading up on the fluids again. When we got there my cute IP"S were there ready to get the show on the road. I could tell my Intended daddy was excited but very nervous. It was very sweet! They gave me Valium then we headed back to change. Into our Hot and sexy Transfer outfits. My Ip's were just as cute in their yellow gowns and blue hats and shoe covers. My Intended mom had high heels under her blue shoe covers, I wondered how she could walk. I would fall flat on my face!! 

So after we got our photo shoot out of the way (which Im mad I didn't put my flash on :( ) we went into the OR. They wanted to start but my bladder was not full yet so the Dr. went and did another surgery by the time the were ready to come back I had to PEE! I really thought I would pee on the Dr. especially with an Ultrasound wand on my belly. So I had to pee just a little bit then come back to the stirrups.  Then it was time KNOCK ME UP!!!  The embryologist came in to tell us about the embryos and Im thinking due to Valium and holding pee in I only heard one embryo completely hatched.  I had to call my IM and ask her the rest after I was not loopy. She said " 1 hatched completely and one was hatching as we transferred." Then when we were done my husband had to ask the Dr. How he felt about him knocking up his wife.  Leave it to my handsome dork to make everyone laugh. After I came home after and laid in bed and now Im still being very lazy!  So now the dreaded wait till pee on stick time :)!!! Oh i'm nervous!!!!  

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Jinx and Sunday smiles!

I have been having a hard time updating my blog. I have wanted to but I keep felling like if I tell the world its working it will fail. I am sure its stupid but Im nervous. 

We are doing a complete natural cycle with no meds at all. So we needed to wait for me to ovulate. On Friday day 12 of my cycle I went in to get Blood work and Ultrasound.  I really truly was peeing my pants before the doctor came in.  I wanted more than anything to get news that my Uterus was over a 5.   It was a 8.9!! WooHoo!!!  I had a 12mm follicle and it needs to get to about 20mm before ovulation. The Doctor thought I had about 4-5 more days before I would ovulate.  

I went in on Sunday and I had a nurse do my Ultrasound and she got a 10 on my Uterus lining. And my follicle was 17mm. She made my day during my Ultrasound and she asked me " How old are you?" When I told her I was 31 she then replied " Wow your fertile, you have 11 follicles on your right side. A lot of women barely get that after drugs to help stimulate." I knew I was fertile given my past but after a couple of months ago and me being the reason the cycle failed my confidents had drifted away. 

The clinic called later Sun. afternoon and asked me to take the Ovulation test  every time I peed. My LH surge had went up from a 4 on Friday to 13 on Sunday. They thought that maybe I surge on Sunday.  A 15 is surging.  But of course to drive me crazy and 4 test later all I got was a big fat negative.  I thought for sure monday (yesterday) morning it would have a pretty smile on the test... NOPE another dang negative. I had my Ultrasound at 8:30am and I took my test at 6:30am and my Ultrasound said my follicle was 18.9 and my lining was 8.??. Later yesterday I called curious what my LH levels were at. The nurse told they were 22.. WHAT??? 15 is a LH surge and I got a negative 2 hours earlier.  I came home and peed my heart out and I  got this pretty little smile...


When you finally get a smiley face you should hopefully ovulate 24-36 hours.  I must have surged within the 2 hours. Crazy!! 
Today I went in again and my lining was still in the 8's. Im thinking the 10 was a miss read. My follicle was still there and it was 21.3mm now. So if my follicle is no longer showing on Ultrasound tomorrow they will know I have ovulated. And if so Transfer is Sunday.... HOPEFULLY!!!!  

Friday, July 15, 2011

sigh of relief!!

OK I will try to keep my ovaries away from young children. I defiantly don't want any child choking on them. I could never live with myself. LOL!

Ok back to the point, I am so proud of my Uterus. I went in today to have my first lining check. My Uterus lining was a ..... Drum roll........ 


They had checked my follicles. My largest one was 12mm so the Dr. is thinking I will ovulate in about 4 days. The Day I ovulate and as long as all else works we will be hoping for a Transfer 5-6 days later. 

This has given me a nice sigh of relief,  now its the hope for the next step!!! 

Friday, July 8, 2011

Amazon has my vote!

I am so impressed with Amazon right now! I needed to buy ovulation test and the clinic had recommended using the easy to read clearblue. So I started the investigation of saving a little money and I found 7 test for $16 and as I went to buy the seller had a $8 dollar shipping and it would not get here on time. I took a trip to Walmart and and 7 test were $25 dollars and 20 test were $35. Then yesterday I tried Amazon again and I saw these, They were $27 dollars with free 2 day shipping. I ordered them last night at 5 oclock Mountain time thinking they will be here monday.

I woke up to an email this morning at 12 am saying my package had been shipped. 11 am they were at my door. They came from Kentucky! What the heck does Amazon have magic wands!!  What ever their magic was to get them here today?!?! It made me so impressed!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Natural here we come....

So AF visited on the 4th, It was great we celebrated with Fireworks. (LOL)  I went in today to have an Ultrasound, I was a little nervous. After having sad news the last few ultrasounds I was a little worried about this time around. But it wen't really well. My Uterus lining was a 4, it was perfect ( although I knew I could do the low lining part just fine) and my ovaries looked great.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

long time!!!

I keep looking at my blog and thinking I am so boring right now! There is nothing really excited to report. Everyone keeps asking "WHAT IS GOING ON or are you pregnant?!?  I tell you what I am just as anxious for some dates. As of right now, I really have no Idea. The Dr. told me Aunt Flow would visit with in 2 weeks and now its been 3.5 weeks.  On June 11, I had some spotting for 1 day and that was 7 days after no drugs in my system. But since then ...... NOTHING!  My suspicion is that  my spotting was AF and due to my short lining it was a very light period. So if I am right AF will visit on July 9th, next weekend. Then I will call the clinic and if nothing else fails maybe a end of July TRANSFER!!!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Luck me!

Wow 30 Followers!!!!

Well 30 that I can see, I know there is lots more friends reading my blog. Thank you to all of you for making me feel so special.  I really love all the support from close and far away friends!! I am a very lucky girl!!!