My Tears

This post is going to be very hard for me to write. I have gone back and forth wether I should write this post or publish it. I've worried that it may come back and bite me in the butt, but I have felt strongly that I need to post it.  Maybe it may help a future surrogate, Intended parents or it may be for myself but for what ever  the reason I know it will do its job. The feelings in the post are only my point of view and anything I say about how my Intended parents is strictly my feelings or my view towards it. I truly have no idea what they might me feeling and I don't want any harsh feeling towards them.

I have not written in my blog since baby boy was born due to my broken heart. I have even had a hard time reading anyones else's blogs. When I decided to be a surrogate about 10 years ago I truly felt I would change the world, change a life or a few lives, answer a prayer, make a dream come true, Be apart of a blessing. I wanted to make a Mommy and a Daddy. I felt so strongly that my ability to have children was to help others have children.  I really believed that I was doing such an amazing thing but now I wonder how this amazing thing would make me feel so shitty as if I had done something so wrong. As if I had hurt someone so badly that  it would take forever for them to forgive me.

I really feel that every surrogate and every Intended parent has their Idea of the journey they want to have and after the baby arrives. I don't think any Idea is wrong, we all get to feel the way we feel about our journeys. Wether it turns out the way we hoped or not, its still ok to feel the way we do.

 I always dreamt what I wanted out of my experience. I dreamt that I would be apart of their life big or small. I truly only wanted to see what I had done. I also wanted to feel appreciated for my sacrifice.  I wanted to witness the love. I always told others that I would do it for a boob job as a joke but always thought I could do it for free. I never wanted the money! THE MONEY HAS BEEN THE HARDEST PART! I feel sick to stomach when I hear "Business transaction".

So now to my story, The little boy I delivered family has decided it was in their best interest to no longer have a relationship with me. I have my speculations as to why but honestly I have no Idea. I have had my inklings from the beginning that this maybe the outcome. When we first met we really hit it off but when I had told them that I wanted to see what I have done I had said " I want to be like aunt Jen." The dads response was "well the baby will already has an aunt Jen but I guess you can be aunt Jen also." I always wondered what that meant but I just passed it off that maybe they were thinking I wanted more of connection than what I was thinking. I had called my Intended mom before we got pregnant and told her about another surro that was sad because her family no longer wanted anything with her. I told my Intended mom that was my worst fear and I wanted to know how they felt so I could prepare myself if they wanted no relationship. She told me a couple concerns she had but then said I would be in their life.

Then as time passed I realized how distant they were from me. They were their at every appointment and very supportive of the pregnancy but I never felt that there was anything more. I actually felt like I was on a first date every time I saw them. I had written them sweet notes and I would hear nothing back. I would just pass it off that they were private people.

I felt that I would try to involve them in anyway I could. I wanted to give them a journey and a surrogate that they would always be grateful for. When I was pregnant when people would ask about the pregnancy I would tell them proudly what I was doing and every response I got was "you are amazing." as they were saying this I would think why does everyone think Im amazing but this little boys parents don't feel this way about me. It always broke my heart but I still wanted to feel that it was amazing so I would tell people what I was doing proudly.

When he was born the birth was so perfect. She got to deliver him and dad cut the cord and professional photographer, it truly was PERFECT.  As they were taking him away from me I remember thinking the cord is cut.. for good! Then it all went down hill from there. I thought the hospital would be my last moments. I thought we would be a family for that two days.  I had told my Intended mom that I wanted 5 minutes alone with him to say good bye because I knew there was going to be a goodbye but my wish was never granted. I've never had the chance to say goodbye ever!!! I had a lot of disappointments but I just hoped that I was wrong and I didn't need to say goodbye. I have never felt so alone as I did in the hospital! It was the worst feeling being in my room alone with their room next to me and babies crying around me. Im sure the hormones didn't help.

I had tried to keep in touch. I would text them and I would worry every time that I would overstepping my boundaries. I would ask what my boundaries were but I never really got an answer. When he was four weeks old we had gone to lunch and she didn't bring the baby. I thought it was because I was there. I got up the courage to tell her how I was feeling, She said I would be in her life forever and seemed very sincere. She seemed very sympathetic of my worries. I felt so much better  and as a couple weeks past I saw a few pictures posted on FB, a couple text and I got to visit. It was so perfect it was all I needed.

I had not received any updates on there terms up to this point. In fact they have never contacted me on their terms ever since he has been born. It was only after I had contacted them or after I had expressed my feelings that they started posting pics.

  Then a couple months ago I was interviewed with a local newspaper with a friend.  http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865558867/Free-Lunch-Two-women-nine-months-and-the-gift-of-family.html?pg=all 
When the article came out I text her and said "Here is an interview I did. I hope you like it." Then about a month ago my Intended mom called me and told me that its not that they didn't like but they don't like it.  She proceeded to tell me that they want their baby boy to have a normal life. That if we were going to have a relationship it couldn't involve him. She said they wanted me to move on. She had told me her family was number one and they did not have room for Jen and her family in it. When he was born I had made a FB post that he was born, she said that they were ok with me posting because I did not mention them but I never mentioned the money and they didn't want people to think they took advantage of me, that it was a business transaction. But through out the phone call she kept saying she didn't want to hurt me that they appreciate what I have done. I was crying the whole time but  I didn't even really get what she was saying until I hung up the phone.

I have overplayed the last year and half over and over. The last few months I have had a lot of guilt. Thinking what did I do wrong. That maybe I should have gone into this with different expectations. Then a couple weeks ago I went to my OBGYNs and I started crying as he asked me how they were. He started to tell me what he noticed how Infertile couples feel. He said that they don't feel human that as a female you are supposed to carry your child and that a man is supposed to be able to produce children. He said its dysfunctional but its ok, its a process every infertile couple have to grieve and work through.Then he started to tell me a story about his son. He was struggling with a test that was coming up in school so he hired a teacher to come tutor him 3 nights a week and when the test came he did a great job and came home very excited about his accomplishment. He had asked his son to write the teacher a Thank you note. His son then said "Why? It was her job" He then told him you needed to except the reason you needed the help and he told him you will send her a Thank you. He then looked at me and said "YOU CANNOT BE GRATEFUL FOR THE HELP ALONG THE WAY IF CANNOT EXCEPT THE REASON WHY THE HELP IS NEEDED"
My heart was softened at that moment. I had thought of the millions of ways that they might be feeling but I could not understand why that meant they could treat me this way or why they felt this way about me. They may not feel this way but it sure helped how I feel about it now. I hope for what ever reason they may be feeling. If they are struggling in any way about our relationship I hope they know or feel that I never want to be a source of their pain or grief. I truly only wanted a safe place for them to turn in their time of need. From carrying their baby to being their friend, or listening ear.

But now I know I get to feel any way I want about my journey! I get to want a relationship! I get to love this little boy! I get to be proud! I get to also talk about it proudly not shamefully!! I also get to be sad, disappointed and I will grieve about the outcome!  I have been asked a few times what I would do different or if I would have known what the outcome, would I have carried for them. What I would have differently, I would have asked them what they wanted relationship wise after birth before telling them my feelings in the beginning. I feel they would have been more honest than going along with my idea of what I wanted.  If I knew this would of been the outcome I truly don't know what I would have done.  I believe I was the wrong Surro for their idea but I know for a fact I was supposed to sacrifice for this little boy! I believe I chose and God knew I was supposed to carry him. I knew the moment I saw those 2 lines he was in the right place and a huge miracle in a lot of lives. He has taught me so much in the short time I knew him.

I know without a doubt he is loved and adored by them. He is in great hands, they are great parents. I just hope for what ever reason they feel its best that I am not around that they always feel my love. I will continue to pray for them and I will respect them, I will keep sacrificing for them.  I will always love that little boy but I will always be heartbroken that I will never know/see his big accomplishments in his life. I will dream of they day in heaven I get to hug him and he will know the true intent of my heart because it may be that long before I ever see them again.